a funny friend who really should write a blog

aaron and i have a funny friend named jay. jay should write his own blog. he is hilarious in person and hilarious on paper too. he is my featured writer this week. check out why...

Gentlemen,

I write this letter hoping that it may keep you from making the same mistake I did. Please keep in mind this is a true story that occured last night. My wife and I went in to Carolina Wings last night for some wings, obviously. Upon scrolling through the menu I saw the flavor deemed 'Beyond Blistering.' Furthermore, there were three asterisks beside it. Naturally I glanced down to cross reference and noticed the phrase 'requires a signed waiver.' However, my brain translated that for me. Translation as follows: Get one.....get one now......you'll be the center of attention if you eat one.......yes, there is no choice now, you must....you must....... and so it was.

I requested 7 regular wings and one of the 'beyond blistering.' As I waited for my waiver to come, I began talking trash about the wing and those who prepared it. As the news got around about my endevour my trash talking increased exponentially. Finally the waiver arrives and reads as follows: (paraphrase) I__________________ , understand that I am about to eat a very hot ass wing. It may cause intense oral burning, throat closure (no lie), intense abdominal pains, nausea, vomiting, and the runs. I eat this wing(s) willfully being of sound body and mind. I sign, and Brittany signs as my witness. Yes, they actually require a witness.

Ok, Im still in. I want the wing now so I can personally tell it what a lame ass texas pete job looks like.

It arrives. My regular wings were in a basket, however my special wing had his own bowl. It also had an aura of something, like it was trying to either talk to me or stab me in the eyeballs. The wait staff glances nervously in my direction. Im the center of attention.

First I touch the wing then touch my tongue. Hot, yes. Painful, no. Immediately I consume the entire wing in about 15 seconds, getting it all so noone can call bs. It was nothing - let the trash talking restart.

30 seconds later I had a mild tingly feeling in my throat, followed closely by intense sweating. Soon to follow was a burn that I cannot describe, but let me try. I thought I had a squad of small gnomes in my mouth trying to burn an armadillo out of a tree stump. the tears came next. Uncontrollable. Pain. Waitress one brings water. No help. I take handfulls of fries and dip them in ranch and shove them in. No help. The tears are now collecting on the table. I begin to panic. Should I run? Should I call for help? I begin making deals with Jesus about never cussing again should he be so forgiving to heal me. I spoon in some ranch, followed by more water and maybe a jelly packet - i cant see anymore, but I assume jelly packet. 15 full minutes later my symptoms begin to subside. I have been reduced to a shirt stained w/ ranch and jelly, snot that can reach my shoe strings, and I look like i am a 12 year old girl who has been told hannah montana will not be coming out w/ a new movie.

As previously said, I tell you all this so that you will not make the same mistake. If one person is helped this email will not be in vain.

Jay